My Response to President Ahmadinejad

Dear President Ahmadinejad,

I read your letter to my country with interest. Finally, I had a chance to read your ideas in your own words, not filtered through the American media. And let me tell you, you left me with a profound conclusion.

Sir, you're an idiot.

Do you honestly believe Americans buy your lies? Sure, some of us aren't the sharpest bowling balls on the Christmas tree, but we aren't all Paris Hilton. Some of us actually pay attention to what you're doing in Iran and the world. We're paying attention to what you said at the United Nations and elsewhere. And we know when you're pulling our legs...or some other body part.

Your letter is full of half-truths and lies. You don't want peace for the Palestinians. You don't want peace in the Middle East. You don't even want to work with us. All you want is Israel and the United States either under your heel or six feet underground. And I will do everything in my power to ensure that doesn't happen.

Taking your letter as a whole, it's clear to me that you don't think very highly of Americans and think that a few nice words to us will persuade us to follow your lead and demand we ask President George W. Bush to step down or to have the Democrats impeach him. I hate to break this to you, Sparky, but it's a little tougher to get a President impeached than to have some leader with a funny last name wish out loud for it to happen.

And as far as us demanding Bush step down? That's not going to happen because we just don't care enough to demand it. We're too busy enjoying Starbucks, SUVs, and Internet porn, three things I don't think you have in your country. Something else to consider: most Americans today don't vote and don't care to pay attention to politics. You think we'll dance to your tune because you wrote some meaningless platitudes? Think again. Most of us won't even get off the couch for you, sir.

So, next time you think about writing a letter to the American people trying to convince us that you're a great guy and that it's America and Israel making you look bad, don't. Whatever it is you're selling, we aren't buying. After all, you hung out with Hugo Chavez, and he's hung out with Cindy Sheehan. That makes you only slightly removed from a complete freak.

And Sheehan's even worse.

Now, with all due respect, President Ahmadinejad: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

Sincerely,

Thomas Lindaman