Monday, December 31, 2007

New Years Resolutions for Other People - 2008 Edition

For those of you who follow my other website,, I've done New Years Resolutions for Other People for the past couple of years. This year, I'm going to do it on my blog. :-)

The concept is simple. I'm very bad at making and keeping New Years resolutions, so one year I decided to help others by making resolutions for them. (And, yes, I'm using "help others" very loosely here.) If they decide to try to keep my resolutions, it saves them time and might actually do them some good. If they don't, they don't have to endure the guilt of not living up to the resolution. It's a win-win situation all the way around! And I do it...because I CARE, dammit!

So, strap yourselves in and prepare for the 2008 edition of New Years Resolutions for Other People!

- To George W. Bush, I resolve that you get some better people around you so that you can serve out your final year as President without the drama of the past 2-3 years. Half the headaches you had to endure seemed to have come from the people around you and their deeds or misdeeds. If you want to have any chance of salvaging any legacy that isn't written by your political opponents, get better people around you.

- To Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, I resolve that you both start looking for a Plan B. What you two knuckleheads have done in the House and Senate is nothing short of disastrous. When you promised change in the way Congress did things, we didn't think you meant negative change! Get your acts together and LEAD or you two will see yourselves out of the jobs you worked so hard to convince people you deserved.

- To Hillary Clinton, I resolve that you go to Al Gore to learn how to act and seem more human. If there's ever been a candidate more stiff, more scripted, and less appealing as a human being running for President, I haven't seen him or her...and I'm glad of that fact. Drop your guard and let us see the real you. Then, we'll feel a lot more comfortable voting against you because we'll have a legitimate reason.

- To Mitt Romney, I resolve that you let your guard down regarding your faith. Of course people are going to try to malign your faith because they don't understand it, and most Americans don't either. Your speech about faith went a ways towards rectifying that, but not far enough. If we're going to get comfy with your Mormonism, you have to trust us enough to open up and remove the mystery.

- To John Edwards, I resolve that you level with us for a change. I know you're trying to convice voters that you're fighting for the common man, but you made a fortune off hurting big companies with lawsuits. Who do you think got the axe? The people you claim you're fighting for if you become President. You don't need to pretend to channel a dead child to know that's not doing right by your voting base.

- To Ron Paul, I resolve that you spend the next four years paying attention to the Middle East. Some of your ideas make sense to me, but your foreign policy and terrorism approaches leave a lot to be desired. Before you get to have access to "The Button" I want you to get a serious education on what's going on in the Middle East and understand that America isn't to blame for it. They hate us for reasons other than our foreign policy, and the only thing that the extremists will understand is force.

- To Rudy Guiliani, I resolve that you make public amends with your past. The press will be relentless when trying to uncover anything you may have done wrong, from an overdue library book to shady dealings with shadier people. The sooner you exorcise these PR demons, the better you will be, and the more electable you will be.

- To the parents of Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears, I resolve that you stop trying to create stars and start being real parents. You've screwed up two kids so far, and once they realize it, there will be a reckoning you won't be prepared to face unless you face up to what you have done and make amends.

- To Hollywood, I resolve that you get some ideas and talent. Seriously, do we need another "American Pie" sequel? Or another movie based on a TV show? Or another horror film on the verge of being a snuff film? Or another romantic comedy so predictable even Kelly Pickler could figure it out within the first ten minutes? You guys say you're only giving the public what it wants, but remember your box office numbers have been declining in recent years. Gee, there might be a connection!

And finally...

- To the readers of my website and blog, I resolve that you keep me on my toes and call me on the carpet when I screw up. I'm a smart guy, but there are times when I don't see a problem, so I rely on you all to let me know what you think needs to be improved. (And, no, me not writing anymore is not an option.) You know how to contact me, and I will listen, even if I don't take your advice.

Happy New Year, everybody!


Anonymous said...

BASRA - The police chief of Iraq's second-largest city Basra, Abdul-Jalil Khalaf, survived a double roadside bomb attack, the seventh attempt on his life and first since the Dec. 18 handover of security in the city to Iraqi forces. One of his bodyguards was wounded, police said.

BAGHDAD - U.S. forces killed six gunmen and detained 14 others on Saturday and Sunday during operations targeting al Qaeda in central and northern Iraq, the U.S. military said.

MOSUL - Gunmen attacked a police patrol killing three policemen and setting their vehicle ablaze on Saturday in the northern city of Mosul, 390 km (240 miles) north of Baghdad, police said.

BAGHDAD - The bodies of two people were found dumped in Baghdad on Saturday, police said.

BAQUBA - U.S. forces found a body buried near a shack used as a prison and torture chamber for kidnap victims near the city of Baquba, 65 km (40 miles) north of Baghdad on Friday, the U.S. military said. Two other skeletons had been dug up at the same location several days previously.

Aelychra2005 said...

I'd like to suggest a resolution for "Anonymous" there. He needs to find a reputable surgeon to perform a rectal craniotomy. He and the rest of the world would be much happier, I'm sure! Happy New Year!!

Anonymous said...

RASHAD - Gunmen killed two people when they opened fire on their car in the town of Rashad, 30 km (18 miles) southwest of Kirkuk, police said.

MOSUL - A sniper killed a policeman in central Mosul, 390 km (240 miles) north of Baghdad, police said. Gunmen also killed a male nurse in western Mosul.

BAGHDAD - Two bodies were found in Baghdad on Monday, police said.

BAGHDAD - U.S.-led troops detained 21 suspects during operations targeting al Qaeda in central and northern Iraq, the U.S. military said.

BAQUBA - Four Iraqi soldiers and 16 al Qaeda militants were killed in clashes in the village of Hashmiyat west of Baquba, a volatile city north of Baghdad, an Iraqi army source said.

ISKANDARIYA - A suicide car bomber killed one member of a neighborhood patrol and wounded three others when he rammed their checkpoint in the town of Iskandariya, 40 km (25 miles) south of Baghdad, police said.

BAGHDAD - A suicide bomber wearing an explosive vest killed four Iraqi neighborhood patrol volunteers and wounded two others at a checkpoint on Baghdad's northern outskirts, police said.

BAGHDAD - Iraqi soldiers killed 12 gunmen and detained 29 others during the last 24 hours across Iraq, the Defense Ministry said.

BAQUBA - A woman wearing a suicide bomb vest wounded two policemen and five civilians including a child when she attacked a police station in Baquba, 65 km (40 miles) north of Baghdad, police said.

BAGHDAD - Two bodies were found in Baghdad on Sunday, police said.

NEAR BALAD - Five people were killed including two al Qaeda militants during clashes on Sunday between militants and residents of a village near Balad, 80 km (50 miles) north of Baghdad, police said.

NEAR BAGHDAD - U.S. forces said they had captured a suspected "Special Groups" leader in Al-Hussainiya just north of Baghdad, a term they use to refer to Shi'ite militia they say receive weapons from Iran.

MAYSAN PROVINCE - Gunmen killed three teachers in Maysan province in southern Iraq on Sunday, the Education Ministry said.

KIRKUK - A roadside bomb wounded two policemen when it struck their patrol in central Kirkuk, 250 km (155 miles) north of Baghdad, police said.